Bodhisatva of a Leo

I've been taking a good long hard look at myself lately.  Maybe it is my recent birthday that has had this affect on me of seeing what is real in myself.  Maybe it is that my meditation instructor has been gently suggesting I look into Bodhisatva vows for over a year.  Whatever it is it is new to me and a bit surprising.  Being the through and through Leo that I am, I've prided myself on looking good, maybe younger, hipper, sexier, better "put together" than I actually am in reality.  I recently saw some dear old friends, the kind of friends you don't see for nearly forever, but know love you, and you them, dearly.  The type of friends that are in the movie "The Big Chill".  We were having our own Big Chill type weekend at the wedding of one of their children.  I took great pains to wear the right dress, make up, hair, shoes,  to look good to these folks who hadn't seen me for so, so long.  As the night ended it was pointed out to me in the "cutting through my b.s. illusion of myself with a sharp knife only those that love me can do" kinda way that I wasn't as young or as hip as I thought I might be.  And after the sting of that sunk in and stung some more, so did the sweetness as one of them reminded me with a smirk and a large dose of compassion in his eyes, "we all want to be younger sometimes".  In essence, we all want to be what we think of ourselves at times, but we aren't. 

In reality what I've been doing with my reflection, my idea of myself, has been doctoring it up in my own mind.  I am not being down on my appearance here but for some reason maybe coming to peace and to terms with who I am ..... really am, inside and out.  I mean  I think I've manipulated my mind for many many years into believing some stretches of the truth to myself, or at the very least glossing over the rough spots.  Convincing myself, and maybe others too, that what they see is all smooth, good and easy.  I've had many old, sometimes painful memories arrive in my heart and thoughts of late. some things I have almost all but forgotten about.  They are reminders to myself that I always didn't make the best choices, at times I didn't do my best, I have chosen the easy way, what is better for Karyn way, I have lied and manipulated.  This is what is true.  I have also been generous, loving, supportive, and honest, I have also gone out of my way to help others.  This is also what is true.   I feel it is time to stop sugar coating myself to myself.    I am 47 years old.  I have a 24 year old, 21 year old and 19 year old son and a 10 year old daughter.  I have had these four children by three different men.  I divorced my first husband, I left him.  I have wanted to divorce my current husband (thank God he wouldn't allow it) at times.  I have said some pretty unforgivable things to my family (again thank God I think they have forgiven me).  I have acted quite outrageously at times.  I have also been patient and as supportive as humanely possible.  This, I am guessing, is the paradox of being human.

I feel the choice of a Bodhisatva path is before me, at some point,  however before I can embark on that path I think this self examination, naval gazing if you will, is necessary for me.  To put the well being, the actual enlightenment of others before my own is quite a step for a self centered, egotistical, vain Leo gal like myself.  So I am working on being happier now to look at the lines on my face (from the smiles, the tears, the worry, the love and the fears) the thickness of my middle (from the four babies, the martinis, the cheese)  the spider veins (genetics?!)  the nasty words that have flown from my mouth, the selfish actions, the missing tooth (born that way) and the lines that radiate away from my lips (from the smoking, and since I"m being honest here not just the cigarettes from years ago).  I will still try to dress sharp, and try to look my best and I will still be trapped in the samsara of my ego, but it is my hope that I am a bit more friendly to myself, in seeing my complete reflection of myself.  So that maybe in another 10-20 years when I gather with my Big Chill old friends, I will have the truth of all of me shining forth, the Bodhistava in my reflecting back.

Inspiration.

“I am not perfect now nor have I ever been. I am growing, learning, moving forward in my journey and in exploration of this earth. Always striving to be perfect, but never achieving. Because I am human.”  –Alex Minsky
(see full article and photos here)
Inspired.

in·spi·ra·tion

/ˌinspəˈrāSHən/
Noun

1. The process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something, esp. to do something creative: “flashes of inspiration”.

I had my blog drafted and half written, already into the format I wanted and was beginning the edit when I stumbled upon this article on this young man, Alex Minksy.  Yes, the photo got me interested, his story kept me reading, and he inspired me.  Sometimes you just have to change course and go with the direction your heart steers you.  Sometimes you just are inspired, moved, and HAVE to take a different route.  Inspiration to me is an emotion, a feeling, it moves you.
There are times when we just can’t help but listen to inspiration.  Inspiration often gets me out of my rut of thinking, the deep gully I have forged in my day in day out, same behavior, same thinking pattern.  I will often see an image, read a story, listen to a song, experience something beautiful, and if I can truly see it for what it is and allow it to move me, this is my definition of inspiration.  Pintrest is a great place for inspiration, especially for a visual person like myself. Allowing myself to feel inspired by even the smallest of things can often subtly shift my perspective, my outlook, my self-imposed pity party.  I think the biggest part of being inspired is first to allow yourself to be inspired.  So often we walk on by, ignore, don’t notice or won’t allow ourselves to open to the inspiration.  It can be a bit heart wrenching, it can be a mirror reflecting back to you things you may not want to see about yourself and the world.  You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable, open yourself up in order to allow yourself to feel and be inspired.
The second key aspect of inspiration is to take action on the inspiration.  To be inspired without acting on it is like watching a movie, seeing moving, beautiful things, then going home and being no different for the experience.  A recent example of taking action on inspiration, was me backing up on a deserted road to get a picture of an amazing house I had just driven past.  I could have kept driving and hoped I had remembered the image, instead I was inspired by the beautiful color of the trim on the house to go back and get the photo.  Now I have a perfect color of blue to create something new.
Open up, let things move you, expose your heart, feel inspired, then, take the action.
Wear Peace is so inspired by Alex Minsky, we are offering a coupon code (see below) and will be donating 5% of our proceeds for the month of August to the Wounded Warrior Project.