I've been taking a good long hard look at myself lately. Maybe it is my recent birthday that has had this affect on me of seeing what is real in myself. Maybe it is that my meditation instructor has been gently suggesting I look into Bodhisatva vows for over a year. Whatever it is it is new to me and a bit surprising. Being the through and through Leo that I am, I've prided myself on looking good, maybe younger, hipper, sexier, better "put together" than I actually am in reality. I recently saw some dear old friends, the kind of friends you don't see for nearly forever, but know love you, and you them, dearly. The type of friends that are in the movie "The Big Chill". We were having our own Big Chill type weekend at the wedding of one of their children. I took great pains to wear the right dress, make up, hair, shoes, to look good to these folks who hadn't seen me for so, so long. As the night ended it was pointed out to me in the "cutting through my b.s. illusion of myself with a sharp knife only those that love me can do" kinda way that I wasn't as young or as hip as I thought I might be. And after the sting of that sunk in and stung some more, so did the sweetness as one of them reminded me with a smirk and a large dose of compassion in his eyes, "we all want to be younger sometimes". In essence, we all want to be what we think of ourselves at times, but we aren't.
In reality what I've been doing with my reflection, my idea of myself, has been doctoring it up in my own mind. I am not being down on my appearance here but for some reason maybe coming to peace and to terms with who I am ..... really am, inside and out. I mean I think I've manipulated my mind for many many years into believing some stretches of the truth to myself, or at the very least glossing over the rough spots. Convincing myself, and maybe others too, that what they see is all smooth, good and easy. I've had many old, sometimes painful memories arrive in my heart and thoughts of late. some things I have almost all but forgotten about. They are reminders to myself that I always didn't make the best choices, at times I didn't do my best, I have chosen the easy way, what is better for Karyn way, I have lied and manipulated. This is what is true. I have also been generous, loving, supportive, and honest, I have also gone out of my way to help others. This is also what is true. I feel it is time to stop sugar coating myself to myself. I am 47 years old. I have a 24 year old, 21 year old and 19 year old son and a 10 year old daughter. I have had these four children by three different men. I divorced my first husband, I left him. I have wanted to divorce my current husband (thank God he wouldn't allow it) at times. I have said some pretty unforgivable things to my family (again thank God I think they have forgiven me). I have acted quite outrageously at times. I have also been patient and as supportive as humanely possible. This, I am guessing, is the paradox of being human.
I feel the choice of a Bodhisatva path is before me, at some point, however before I can embark on that path I think this self examination, naval gazing if you will, is necessary for me. To put the well being, the actual enlightenment of others before my own is quite a step for a self centered, egotistical, vain Leo gal like myself. So I am working on being happier now to look at the lines on my face (from the smiles, the tears, the worry, the love and the fears) the thickness of my middle (from the four babies, the martinis, the cheese) the spider veins (genetics?!) the nasty words that have flown from my mouth, the selfish actions, the missing tooth (born that way) and the lines that radiate away from my lips (from the smoking, and since I"m being honest here not just the cigarettes from years ago). I will still try to dress sharp, and try to look my best and I will still be trapped in the samsara of my ego, but it is my hope that I am a bit more friendly to myself, in seeing my complete reflection of myself. So that maybe in another 10-20 years when I gather with my Big Chill old friends, I will have the truth of all of me shining forth, the Bodhistava in my reflecting back.
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